As I prepare to guide a group of souls through shadow work, I felt it was very important to speak to you all from that place. To write while I'm in the shadow place, not just once I've worked through it.
My husband and I found out that we have to move within the next few days. An opportunity that we were really excited about fell through. We are now in a situation with scarce financial and personal resources.
I'm really fucking sad. I love the place we've been living. I love my zen den. I love our fireplace and our open concept living area. I love having a place that I finally felt calm and relaxed in. I started crying as I took down the pictures on the wall and folding up my clothes.
I KNOW that this isn't a "f you" from the universe, but it feels like one.
It brings back up the victim and lack mentality. The "why me."
The tunnel vision sets in and suddenly the light at the end of the tunnel is gone and all that's there is darkness.
I get angry. I start blaming. I blame myself. I blame the township. I blame the person who lit the match that is leaving us near homeless.
Thank God that we have family who would never let us be homeless. Thank God we have friends who are unconditionally loving and supportive.
This shit is hard. It's messy.
My husband and I are at a literal fork in the road, were we can choose despair, desperation, and defeat or we can choose determination, divine intervention, and faith.
Right now, we honestly waiver.
One moment we're calm and talking about how we can co-create and how this is just a crazy beginning to an amazing story.
The next moment we're crying, grieving for the loss of the home and community we were building, full of fear of the next steps, practically breathless by the whirlwind of change.
With the shadow work that I've done, the darkness isn't all consuming. A beautiful piece of the shadow work is understanding that the shadow is a part of us- it is not who we are. When I didn't understand this, I just thought I was this terrible, fearful person who was doomed for bad things to keep happening to her. Understanding how to work with this part of myself has given me a quicker come back rate from getting lost in the fear.
I get to say to the shadow, "okay, what are you thinking? what is this reminding you of? what is the story we are telling? what do you need?"
Then, I get to make the shifts. I get to remember that I have a choice in how I react to this situation. I get a choice in how I move forward.
It's going to be okay because it already is.
"Bad things are good things"- Marisa Imon
p.s. If you are ready to do your own shadow work, I'm holding space for you join us in the first session of Shadow Searching, a four week introductory course to shadow work.