I've been carrying around this heaviness for over a year now and enough is enough.
It woke me up at 3:00 am this morning demanding to be felt, demanding to be seen.
Let me start at the beginning.
Around this time last year, someone who I deeply trusted told me that they thought I was a phony. They made claims about my authenticity and my ego took this experience and has been milking it for all it's worth... and I had been giving it a lot of worth.
This deep fear of unworthiness combined with the new fear of being inauthentic and created this insane energetic narrative within me. I was SO aware and freaked out about "copying" anyone that for awhile I didn't even feel called to create anything. I would have an idea, wait on it, then see a post so freaking similar to what I was thinking about and it would restart the spiral. I had to "mute" and "unfollow" some of my favorite spiritual coaches, leaders, etc. because I didn't want to be influenced by anything anyone was doing. I didn't want to use the wrong word in a post and suddenly be just another copy.
So, I spent the last year getting REAL with myself. I'm a Pisces rising, so it really isn't uncommon for me to adapt and flow with the quirks of other's and unconsciously integrate them. I had to look at each belief, each part of my passion and my personality and say "is this mine?" "where does this come from?"
It wasn't easy, in fact sometimes it was quite painful. The unlearning process is messy, but we must do it in order to remember and to relearn with love.
As I started rebuilding, I found myself becoming so excited with all the different ideas I had coming through and felt like all my messages were starting to come together through one thing... rituals.
Don't get me wrong, I know I'm not the first person to talk about rituals, but the way I do them and incorporate the oils is different from any other way I've seen. My ritual circle membership is a totally one of a kind way to reward people for the purchase they are already making.
Now though, I have a new obstacle to overcome. When I first starting talking about the oils and ritual, it felt like I was finally standing out and making my voice heard. Now though... it's coming up everywhere. Ego keeps telling me that once again I wasn't truly original because now look.. ritual this, ritual that, ritual everywhere.
As I mentioned, I just sobbed and sobbed over this at 3:00 this morning. I don't want to compete. I don't want to compare. I just want to serve and serve in a way that brings me joy. I just want to make an impact and I want do do it in a divinely authentic way. I've felt all ends of the spectrum, the anger, the jealousy, the sadness, the anxiety and I'm ready to transmute this story.
So I guess this is me saying, universe, take the wheel. Please guide me in how I'm meant to do this. I'm ready to make an impact. I'm ready to be seen and heard. I desire to do this in a way that is exciting, compassionate, and authentic. I desire to do this in a way that doesn't involve rigidity, negativity, and competitiveness. Show me the way and I will follow.