*trigger warning: this blog post contains discussions around self harm. Please be mindful when reading. If you or someone you know is struggling with self harm or suicidal ideation, please have them contact the National Suicide Prevention Hotline: 1-800-273-8255*
I was an empath growing up in the world on online journals (xanga, livejournal- if you remember these too let me know). I was immersed in the pain of all my fellow angsty and confused adolescents. We all had the similar Linkin Park lyrics as our cryptic away messages on AIM, we all shared our heartache with the world of strangers (and the world that did know us and would use what we shared as ammunition) as we searched for connection, for hope, for meaning.
Many of us didn't find it.
I remember the night where not finding it- that hope- felt so painful it was like I couldn't breathe. How could I get this pain OUT OF ME. That was all I wanted at the time- for the 500 lb weight on my chest to be taken off. There was a pair of scissors sitting on my desk and suddenly physical pain became an instant relief from the emotional pain. On top of that, it was pain I could control. I could administer the pain when I felt like I either a) deserved it or b) was desperate for a relief.
Sadly you guys, this not only opened up the door for some deeply ingrained and f-ed up self harm habits, but it opened up the door for connection. If you don't know this- there are communities of pro-self harm and pro-eating disorder and these communities will cheer you on in your self destruction. There were girls I didn't know messaging me about how much more in control I'd also feel if I restricted my calories or started throwing up after each meal. While this is incredibly messed up- they thought they were helping. I thought they were helping. I had a whole community online that "understood me." This hole was deep and dark. I finally felt loved and in control, but it was one of the most intense illusions I've probably ever experienced.
If you resonate with this, you also know that these urges and emotions don't just go away. I'm constantly unpacking these experiences and beliefs, but I have a foundation to do that from. I was totally one of those people who studied psychology in school to 1) help people and 2) learn how to fix myself! Well, that didn't happen. I was still left sad and searching.
My spiritual practice has shown me that not only did I NOT need to be "fixed," but it showed me how I can rebuild. It showed me how I can develop a sense of self-esteem, it taught me how to handle the dark days, and most importantly, it has guided me to self love. I don't have to resort to self harm anymore because I know how to handle my emotions and care for myself deeply.
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This is an immersive, collaborative, and creative group program that will guide you in developing a spiritual practice so that you can live a MIRACULOUS life, not a stressful one.
I've never been one to shy away from my human-ness. I've always been transparent about being imperfect. Lately, I've been experiencing a lot of guilt with my human-ness. There was a part of the end of last year where I was experiencing RAPID momentum.
And then I got sick and it stopped. And then my mindset KEPT me sick and it felt impossible to find that momentum again.
I've noticed a disconnect and had to turn within to find out what happened so I could get back on track.
In doing so, I've realized I've let some people down. I didn't show up for them in the big way that they were hoping for. I didn't reach out as frequently as I could have. I didn't really share that I was struggling with a really deep depression and it felt like it was draining my power from me. I just avoided.
So, this post. It was going to be titled with an apology, but instead, I say thank you.
Thank you for the grace.
Thank you for staying with me for the journey and not holding it against me.
Thank you for knowing that I was going to come back in a way that was even bigger, better, and so much more aligned than ever before.
Winter is over, time to come out of hiding.