As I prepare to guide a group of souls through shadow work, I felt it was very important to speak to you all from that place. To write while I'm in the shadow place, not just once I've worked through it.
My husband and I found out that we have to move within the next few days. An opportunity that we were really excited about fell through. We are now in a situation with scarce financial and personal resources.
I'm really fucking sad. I love the place we've been living. I love my zen den. I love our fireplace and our open concept living area. I love having a place that I finally felt calm and relaxed in. I started crying as I took down the pictures on the wall and folding up my clothes.
I KNOW that this isn't a "f you" from the universe, but it feels like one.
It brings back up the victim and lack mentality. The "why me."
The tunnel vision sets in and suddenly the light at the end of the tunnel is gone and all that's there is darkness.
I get angry. I start blaming. I blame myself. I blame the township. I blame the person who lit the match that is leaving us near homeless.
Thank God that we have family who would never let us be homeless. Thank God we have friends who are unconditionally loving and supportive.
This shit is hard. It's messy.
My husband and I are at a literal fork in the road, were we can choose despair, desperation, and defeat or we can choose determination, divine intervention, and faith.
Right now, we honestly waiver.
One moment we're calm and talking about how we can co-create and how this is just a crazy beginning to an amazing story.
The next moment we're crying, grieving for the loss of the home and community we were building, full of fear of the next steps, practically breathless by the whirlwind of change.
With the shadow work that I've done, the darkness isn't all consuming. A beautiful piece of the shadow work is understanding that the shadow is a part of us- it is not who we are. When I didn't understand this, I just thought I was this terrible, fearful person who was doomed for bad things to keep happening to her. Understanding how to work with this part of myself has given me a quicker come back rate from getting lost in the fear.
I get to say to the shadow, "okay, what are you thinking? what is this reminding you of? what is the story we are telling? what do you need?"
Then, I get to make the shifts. I get to remember that I have a choice in how I react to this situation. I get a choice in how I move forward.
It's going to be okay because it already is.
"Bad things are good things"- Marisa Imon
p.s. If you are ready to do your own shadow work, I'm holding space for you join us in the first session of Shadow Searching, a four week introductory course to shadow work.
For many children, there comes a moment when they "learn" that it is not safe for them to be themselves.
For some it happens at home, when a parent belittles them, constantly criticizing.
For others, like myself, it happens at school and extra-curricular activities.
This pain looks different for each, but the outcome is pretty universal.
The outcome is being further away from remembering who we are. The outcome is layers of facades, proudly placed layer by layer in the name of safety.
As I child, I lost myself in books and movies. I'd spend months pretending to be one of the characters in my mind rather than be living in own life. I remember hours of bouncing on the trampoline in the backyard pretending to be a character. I'd be Lizzie McGuire or Anna Percy, sometimes Pocahontas or Sabrina the Teenage Witch. I'd spend weeks of my life pretending to be any character ever played by Mary Kate and/or Ashley Olsen. Seriously- I adopted the personality of the characters from Our Lips are Sealed so much that I gained the reputation of a blabbermouth in the fifth grade- even though I never actually spilled secrets.
Over the past few years, my spiritual practice and personal development has led me to feeling more and more like myself.
I was being open about my intuitive gifts. I was meditating daily, using automatic writing to connect to my higher self, and having intensely vivid dreams that included archangels teaching me how to heal energy. I was vibing SO high. It felt like- YES! This is who I am. I love myself. I love my life.
Until someone who I cared so much about told me that I was a fraud.
I was accused of being inauthentic. Of trying to use someone else's power rather than my own.
This crushed me. This confused me. As I had mentioned before, I was feeling more connected to myself than ever before. I felt my most authentic and yet here I was being told that I wasn't.
My ego grasped onto this event and wanted me to take her projection as truth.
I immediately stopped following ANYTHING that they were doing. I didn't want to be influenced by anything that they were posting.
Sure enough, the old pattern started to creep back in.
My soul was hurting so deeply after the accusation that I did not want to risk putting myself out there. I started to binge watch TV again and fascinate about the character's life over my own. I started reading books and thinking of how I needed to change myself to prevent something like this from happening again.
I was operating out of fear.
I needed a new lens of self discovery and understanding. Enter astrology. I am a Pisces Sun, Capricorn Moon, Pisces Rising.
As I started reading about the traits and qualities of a Pisces Rising, one that stood out to me was an adoptable & adaptable personality, a personality that molds to the people that they are around.
As soon as I read it, I felt the overwhelming message:
Hi, Chelsie. Meet this part of your shadow that you've been avoiding. It's time.
So I did it. I spent some major time with this part of my shadow and am continuing to do so. I've discovered how much safety, boredom, and agreeableness come into play with this trait. When I feel unsafe, I hide behind the traits and qualities of others so that I don't get hurt or if something does go wrong, it doesn't feel as personal. The shadow finds being adaptable to be a lot of fun. Ever-evolving and changing makes things interesting. The shadow gets a total thrill off the idea that we can be whoever we desire to be. Agreeableness is a whole different level. When I am overly agreeable, I lose my sense of self. Seeing as how the shadow loves to adapt, this can lead me to agreeing to things that I actually don't. This is completely connected to the safety component- if I agree, chances for conflict are low and my desire to stay safe has been high.
Now that I understand this part of myself, I can grow. I can heal. I can shed the layers.
I can operate out of love instead.
It is so clear now how the layers were actually harmful. I don't judge myself, ego, or shadow for creating them. At one point in my life, they probably served me. I didn't have the tools that I have now to do this shadow work and truly get to know myself.
It was this experience and this work that inspired a lot of what happens in the Chakra Goddess program. The growth and healing that happens when you truly get to know yourself is insurmountable.
Turn in your armor for wings.
Float amongst an array of dreams.
Celestial pathways that lead to new dimensions, clearly seen within.
Wash away the doubt of our magic, a new way of living emerges.
Deep below the sea lay codes of consciousness and frequencies.
The ancestral roots of Atlantis.
Believe in love and all is free.